So just this conference was really a wake up call for me. It was probably a wake up call for a lot of people.. But it really just called my attention to what I have become. A self absorbed, selfish, poor excuse for a friend... I have been so wrapped up in my own problems, in my own little world, feeling so alone and depressed, that instead of reaching out to be a friend to others, I have been perfectly happy to be out of the loop. I have disappeared from some of my most valuable friends because as far as I was concerned, no one could possibly understand what I was going through.... Not that I would tell anyone.... because every time i felt like i was having a confidential conversation, a week later Ricky would come to me and ask... "what did you say to ..." cause her husband just came to me and said..." So I went from feeling like I had people I could talk to, to feeling confined.. not being able to trust those that I should be able to...
There were a couple of times I tried to talk about it, but then it ended up feeling like a competition, like who's life sucks more... Like I said... conference really made me feel, well, like I was acting.. .selfish and like a bad friend. Not once did I stop and think, wow, maybe someone has it worse and I can help them out.. Or, no matter how I feel, I have to have faith that I can get through this and try to get over myself. I have been in a bad place, that's all there is to it. On top of that, the people who are supposed to be there for me are some of the one's causing even more grief... And the friends who I have neglected have given up on me. Whether or not they are completely done with me, only time will tell. I understand if I have been written off, no hard feelings. I am just kicking myself in the rear for allowing it to happen.
I have been sucked back into my twilight books... i have been better about it this time... it isn't as all consuming as it has been in the past... just my happy little place to get away...
Moral? I feel like I am getting better. I want to be a better friend. I want to be understood though if I am having a bad day and need to be alone. My friends from high school can attest, I like my alone time... lol... those were my saturdays most of the time... my me day's .... anyway. I sorta feel like bella, after she has started hanging out with jacob after edward left... like there is possibly a way to live, despite all that has happened... Like there is an end! i can't see it yet, but it is there somewhere!
I will say this. I am grateful for what I have. I have a beautiful little family, and regardless of anything else that happens, I will still have my beautiful little family. (unless i crack up and go to the loony bin! :D j/k)
